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  #16  
Old 26-08-2018, 05:59 PM
I Love Boobs I Love Boobs is offline
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Re: Betrayed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Indigoflashed View Post
I would like to present her side to the story.

She said she felt bored/distracted, and has since professed that she was wrong. Since the incident, while she has been changing passwords etc, I admit that I have given her a very hard time and severely invaded her privacy by following her, trying to install spyware (but failed) and also doubted what she told me by asking her to show me evidence of where and who she is with (pictures etc)

She said that me being like this is causing her pain and is driving her away, and I know that for a fact, she has been more of an escapist all these years.

The guy isn’t even handsome, in fact, I’m way better looking, fit, and only slightly older. She is just a couple of years younger than me. She told me it is a momentary fling and she wanted to end it even before I discovered it.

With all the emotional roller coaster going on, she has asked me for time alone to sort out her thoughts and to reflect. She told me she wants to save the marriage, wants us to go marriage counseling (but only after I keep being warm and cold unpredictably, guess she cannot handle it).

Since that 2nd time when I found the guys number I have not found any other signs of her contacting him, but they are colleagues thus I don’t know about office communication etc.

She does seem like she wants to make amends, putting in effort for our new house, and also trying to reassure me more.

That being said, I just don’t feel she is fully disclosing. I’m not sure if I’m overthinking it, and as a result pushing her away.
I'll be blunt.
She lied to you on deleting the number and listed it under another name.
That's deliberate deception.
The affair has been ongoing for more than a year based on her desire to dress up etc.
They've definitely fucked. What other reason would the man have to be with her? Conversation? Intellectual enrichment?
Oh, and you'll find a second phone soon that she's using to communicate with her lover. It's a prepaid....
  #17  
Old 26-08-2018, 06:00 PM
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Re: Betrayed

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Originally Posted by I Love Boobs View Post
That is highly idealistic.
It takes years to really know a person.
I didn't know what my wife was for sure.
I'm sure TS will also question who's behind that Brilliant Disguise.
To quote Bruce Springsteen...
I beg to differ. One of the best ways to judge a person's character is to examine the circumstances in which you got to know each other.

A girl you meet at a charity event where she is volunteering for a cause she feels passionate about will have a different set of values compared to one you meet at a club drinking and flirting.

Girls that go about with no makeup, no jewelry and simple clothing are ones that aren't concerned about appearances. Girls that dress to kill with fancy, expensive accessories show all the warning signs that they will be high maintenance.

Another good clue regarding how you'll be treated is to see how your potential partner treats her parents and siblings. If she appears to be self centered and demanding that's how you will be treated too if you marry her.
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  #18  
Old 26-08-2018, 06:01 PM
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Re: Betrayed

Quote:
Originally Posted by sammyboyfor View Post
I beg to differ. One of the best ways to judge a person's character is to examine the circumstances in which you got to know each other.

A girl you meet at a charity event where she is volunteering for a cause she feels passionate about will have a different set of values compared to one you meet at a club drinking and flirting.

Girls that go about with no makeup, no jewelry and simple clothing are ones that aren't concerned about appearances. Girls that dress to kill with fancy, expensive accessories show all the warning signs that they will be high maintenance.

Another good clue regarding how you'll be treated is to see how your potential partner treats her parents and siblings. If she appears to be self centered and demanding that's how you will be treated too.
Very good advice.
My apologies as I'm pretty jaded with relationships at present....
  #19  
Old 26-08-2018, 06:07 PM
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Re: Betrayed

Quote:
Originally Posted by I Love Boobs View Post
I'll be blunt.
She lied to you on deleting the number and listed it under another name.
That's deliberate deception.
The affair has been ongoing for more than a year based on her desire to dress up etc.
They've definitely fucked. What other reason would the man have to be with her? Conversation? Intellectual enrichment?
Oh, and you'll find a second phone soon that she's using to communicate with her lover. It's a prepaid....
Actually I deleted it without her knowledge and I memorized it. I then checked again a week later and it was there. She didn’t say she deleted it...
  #20  
Old 26-08-2018, 06:08 PM
Indigoflashed Indigoflashed is offline
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Re: Betrayed

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Originally Posted by funboi View Post
Why u both don't try make babies, if she still have a heart for u, paisei hor i think the best way to save this marriage is to have a kid that belong both of u to glue back the relationship. But after have kid liao n she still zao sai then bobian liao. If she don't love u totally she can tell u divorce mah girl heart become hard liao they won't hesitate one. But if u love her u don't taojiak hor.
Bringing babies into the equation if out of the question. It would be unfair for the child and unfair to me if she decides to leave again. Thanks for the advice though
  #21  
Old 26-08-2018, 06:08 PM
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Re: Betrayed

Quote:
Originally Posted by funboi View Post
Why u both don't try make babies, if she still have a heart for u, paisei hor i think the best way to save this marriage is to have a kid that belong both of u to glue back the relationship. But after have kid liao n she still zao sai then bobian liao. If she don't love u totally she can tell u divorce mah girl heart become hard liao they won't hesitate one. But if u love her u don't taojiak hor.
Babies do NOT save a marriage and this is not hearsay. I have personally witnessed two marriages that were strained to breaking point and the couple decided that having a baby would be the solution.

It made matters worse in both cases. Bringing up a child requires teamwork. When you cannot get along with your fellow team member things will escalate further.

However I have seen marriages which are already broken but where a couple stay married for the sake of appearances but I can assure you it's a miserable existence.
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  #22  
Old 26-08-2018, 06:12 PM
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Re: Betrayed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Indigoflashed View Post
Actually I deleted it without her knowledge and I memorized it. I then checked again a week later and it was there. She didn’t say she deleted it...
You're trying to justify giving her a second chance. However she does not deserve this unless she comes clean.

If she continues to maintain that they have not had sex then you have no idea what else she's lying to you about because I can guarantee you 100% that they have.

I speak from a man's point of view because I certainly wouldn't be wasting a whole year with a girl who won't let me have sex with her. The fact that he's still around after a year means he's getting what he wants.
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  #23  
Old 26-08-2018, 06:14 PM
ilovepantyhose ilovepantyhose is offline
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Re: Betrayed

有冇搞错? 你还嫌这顶绿帽不够大?

ts, to her u are a beta provider and she has u eating out of her hand with her lies and excuses

do u have a secret desire of being cuckolded? if u have, monetize it lah at least... (joking ah joking )
  #24  
Old 26-08-2018, 06:18 PM
Indigoflashed Indigoflashed is offline
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Re: Betrayed

Quote:
Originally Posted by sammyboyfor View Post
You're trying to justify giving her a second chance. However she does not deserve this unless she comes clean.

If she continues to maintain that they have not had sex then you have no idea what else she's lying to you about because I can guarantee you 100% that they have.

I speak from a man's point of view because I certainly wouldn't be wasting a whole year with a girl who won't let me have sex with her. The fact that he's still around after a year means he's getting what he wants.

Thank you. Truth is I don’t know how long it has been. I searched her phone thoroughly even after the incident and all I see prior to a month ago are rather platonic work emails. It stepped up after a while and they even had pet names for each other. That happened about a month before I found out which matched he timing she says

A few months ago I also caught her chatting with that guy and she was trying to matchmake him with someone else, so I honestly don’t think it has been a year.

Or am I just delusional
  #25  
Old 26-08-2018, 06:34 PM
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Re: Betrayed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Indigoflashed View Post
Thank you. Truth is I don’t know how long it has been. I searched her phone thoroughly even after the incident and all I see prior to a month ago are rather platonic work emails. It stepped up after a while and they even had pet names for each other. That happened about a month before I found out which matched he timing she says

A few months ago I also caught her chatting with that guy and she was trying to matchmake him with someone else, so I honestly don’t think it has been a year.

Or am I just delusional
I am basing my conclusion on your initial post :

Quote:
About a year ago my wife’s behavior started to change. She started to dress up a lot more, started clubbing and I could also sense her becoming more protective about her cell phone. I didn’t give it much thought initially, as I trusted her wholeheartedly and didn’t imagine she would have an affair, but turns out that I should have listened to my guts much earlier.
If you noticed the change in her behavior a year ago she could have started seeing someone even earlier. Perhaps it was not the same guy. Of course I am only guessing but you asked for advice and I am giving it based upon the facts you presented.

If you revise the facts I will revise my assessment of the situation.
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  #26  
Old 26-08-2018, 06:37 PM
Indigoflashed Indigoflashed is offline
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Re: Betrayed

Quote:
Originally Posted by sammyboyfor View Post
I am basing my conclusion on your initial post :



If you noticed the change in her behavior a year ago she could have started seeing someone even earlier. Perhaps it was not the same guy. Of course I am only guessing but you asked for advice and I am giving it based upon the facts you presented.

If you revise the facts I will revise my assessment of the situation.
I know, and I appreciate that. My facts are all over the place and it is tough to get it in one post.

I am now just trying to figure out if she means it or just lying to me. Also not sure if she will do this again

I’m contemplating contacting the guy to ask for the truth (she said they are not in contact anymore) but honestly if they are cahoots their stories will match (ie only a month no sex etc)

Kinda at a loss, sigh
  #27  
Old 26-08-2018, 06:41 PM
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Re: Betrayed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Indigoflashed View Post
I know, and I appreciate that. My facts are all over the place and it is tough to get it in one post.

I am now just trying to figure out if she means it or just lying to me. Also not sure if she will do this again

I’m contemplating contacting the guy to ask for the truth (she said they are not in contact anymore) but honestly if they are cahoots their stories will match (ie only a month no sex etc)

Kinda at a loss, sigh
Leave her and go and stay somewhere else for the time being. Just tell her you're giving her time and space to sort things out and make a decision what she wants to do with the marriage.

If she comes back to you begging for a second chance then you are in a position to call the shots. It gives you the upper hand. In the current situation she is playing you instead.

If she doesn't then it was obviously not meant to be.
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  #28  
Old 27-08-2018, 08:55 PM
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Re: Betrayed

Quote:
Originally Posted by funboi View Post
Why u both don't try make babies, if she still have a heart for u, paisei hor i think the best way to save this marriage is to have a kid that belong both of u to glue back the relationship. But after have kid liao n she still zao sai then bobian liao. If she don't love u totally she can tell u divorce mah girl heart become hard liao they won't hesitate one. But if u love her u don't taojiak hor.
will be much worse if it fails.
baby suffer for nothing
divorce becomes more costly and painful
rather jus end it right now
divorce for couples without kid is considered very lucky already
go ask around those with experiences
  #29  
Old 27-08-2018, 09:26 PM
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Re: Betrayed

Having kids to cement a failing marriage?
TS should be scared if his wife gets pregnant. Likely will be loverboy's baby....
That honestly is useless advice....
  #30  
Old 28-08-2018, 01:17 AM
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Re: Betrayed

When a person's heart has changed, is the marriage/relationship still worth saving?

Ask yourself this question, say the best possible outcome actually happened, that she repented and tried to make amends, would you be able to not hold her hostage forever for her mistakes?

I learned one thing about woman, that we must make them realize that we are VERY capable of leaving them, when they are not on their best behaviours.

Leave now. Take the hit. Your future self would thank you.
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