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  #31  
Old 19-02-2018, 01:06 PM
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Re: What is going thru your mind when you realise your marriage is no longer salvagab

Quote:
Originally Posted by Flinger2 View Post
I think you are coming from the perspective that I am a person who does not admit my guilt if I am wrong. I admit it and I have changed to whatever things she said I was not doing. But she didn't.

1) She had lied to me multiple times .

2) She had manipulated me multiple times.

3) She takes me for a punching bag when she has issues with her family.

4) No matter what I do, it never satisfies her. She always has something that I am not doing.

5) I have been very nice to her and she has taken advantage of that.

Have I been wrong, yes certainly! I have apologized to her and changed. She knows it and has even acknowledged it.

I can go on and on and on.

Have you ever thought that sometimes it is the woman who is wrong.

There are man who are good you know.
Ignore those people who think they know what they are talking about, trying to be the pope preaching all the time or talking down to people or another idiot of a fool talking about how great his marriage is in a thread that everyone is saying how the charter is screwing them or their other halves are cheating or the complete lack of sex. I don't believe insensitive people who toot their own horns like that can make marriage work. Sensitivity aka EQ is a key to managing relationships. Another guy boost about how he make investments through property in his 30s and never has to work. When I questioned him, he couldn't present the facts. So ignore the naysayers. They don't have any experience of real problems worth listening to.
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  #32  
Old 19-02-2018, 05:17 PM
MoeLanYong MoeLanYong is offline
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Re: What is going thru your mind when you realise your marriage is no longer salvagab

Quote:
Originally Posted by Flinger2 View Post
I think you are coming from the perspective that I am a person who does not admit my guilt if I am wrong. I admit it and I have changed to whatever things she said I was not doing. But she didn't.

1) She had lied to me multiple times .

2) She had manipulated me multiple times.

3) She takes me for a punching bag when she has issues with her family.

4) No matter what I do, it never satisfies her. She always has something that I am not doing.

5) I have been very nice to her and she has taken advantage of that.

Have I been wrong, yes certainly! I have apologized to her and changed. She knows it and has even acknowledged it.

I can go on and on and on.

Have you ever thought that sometimes it is the woman who is wrong.

There are man who are good you know.
Flinger2,

I am coming from a perspective that you are too fixated with who is wrong, who is right, who has changed, who has not changed, who is the punching bag, who is nice etc. Nobody likes to be married to a priest who is always judging characters. Or an accountant counting who's right and who's wrong. Or a historian.

What a suffocating relationship! Overbearing, to say the least. You don't do that with a new girl you meet, do you? You talk happy things only and hope she will go out with you again, ain't it? So why don't you treat your wife like a new girl?

Why don't you live and let live? Have a giggle. Have a laugh. Crack a joke. Don't take things too seriously. Accept that there will be differences - no two people are the same. Hug her once in a while. Be a punching bag for her. Cross each day happily.

If you set the tone for a conversation/relationship to be free wheeling and light hearted, I can't see how she will persist in being confrontational. Have a think. Or stay fixated. Your marriage bro, not mine.
  #33  
Old 19-02-2018, 07:48 PM
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Re: What is going thru your mind when you realise your marriage is no longer salvagab

lol...preacher got to do what he preaches....

self righteousness just doesn't touch people's heart these days
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  #34  
Old 22-02-2018, 07:45 AM
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Re: What is going thru your mind when you realise your marriage is no longer salvagab

I ask myself why we started and how we got to this stage of no return, and what can be done.
  #35  
Old 23-02-2018, 03:19 AM
Flinger2 Flinger2 is offline
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Re: What is going thru your mind when you realise your marriage is no longer salvagab

HI MoeLanYong,

I agree with you. The sad thing is I have done everything you said.

She is a nice person for a while, then she will change again.

To use your example. You talk happy things, she is happy and one day, when you talk happy things, she just changes completely .

It's like a wife beater, you try your best to work out the differences. He is nice to you for a while and says he will never do it. Then he is back to beating his wife.

As you know, in a relationship it takes two people to work it out. If only one person is trying all the time, it does not work.

Also, I have to admit, that after 8 years of going through the same cycle over and over again, its hard to want to reconcile. Why? because after 8 years you think the person is going to change again?

Also, after 8 years, you lose the trust, you lost your love etc... you just want to avoid the cycle.

I am guessing, you have never experience something like this and thus you are not able to imagine it.


Quote:
Originally Posted by MoeLanYong View Post
Flinger2,

I am coming from a perspective that you are too fixated with who is wrong, who is right, who has changed, who has not changed, who is the punching bag, who is nice etc. Nobody likes to be married to a priest who is always judging characters. Or an accountant counting who's right and who's wrong. Or a historian.

What a suffocating relationship! Overbearing, to say the least. You don't do that with a new girl you meet, do you? You talk happy things only and hope she will go out with you again, ain't it? So why don't you treat your wife like a new girl?

Why don't you live and let live? Have a giggle. Have a laugh. Crack a joke. Don't take things too seriously. Accept that there will be differences - no two people are the same. Hug her once in a while. Be a punching bag for her. Cross each day happily.

If you set the tone for a conversation/relationship to be free wheeling and light hearted, I can't see how she will persist in being confrontational. Have a think. Or stay fixated. Your marriage bro, not mine.
  #36  
Old 23-02-2018, 10:37 AM
MoeLanYong MoeLanYong is offline
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Re: What is going thru your mind when you realise your marriage is no longer salvagab

Quote:
Originally Posted by Flinger2 View Post
HI MoeLanYong,

I agree with you. The sad thing is I have done everything you said.

She is a nice person for a while, then she will change again.

To use your example. You talk happy things, she is happy and one day, when you talk happy things, she just changes completely .

It's like a wife beater, you try your best to work out the differences. He is nice to you for a while and says he will never do it. Then he is back to beating his wife.

As you know, in a relationship it takes two people to work it out. If only one person is trying all the time, it does not work.

Also, I have to admit, that after 8 years of going through the same cycle over and over again, its hard to want to reconcile. Why? because after 8 years you think the person is going to change again?

Also, after 8 years, you lose the trust, you lost your love etc... you just want to avoid the cycle.

I am guessing, you have never experience something like this and thus you are not able to imagine it.
Hi Flinger2,
Erm.....I did experience the same and wrote about it in my first post to you. My first gf of 7 years. So I know perfectly what you are saying. A suffocating relationship of analysing each other's character ....."cycles and cycles of long talks of who, what, how to change" .....to a point where I lost interest in even wanting the relationship to work.

The difference is I could walk off. Learn. Re-start a new relationship on a different footing, whereas you can't. You are stuck in a marriage. With the same person. With a kid. Your path to recovery is harder. If you even want a recovery which atm, I am pretty sure you don't.

This is a good time to Pause. Think. Reflect.

Lets square up the facts. You and I know, the status quo is miserable. No happiness. Living with the "enemy".

A divorce will be drastic. Change of living arrangement. You will not get daily access to your kid. Maybe it is worth exploring. Maybe it is not.

Consider an improbable. A situation where you and your wife can be happy. You can get to see your kid everyday. You can have a beautiful family. Nice? An objective worth trying for? What will it cost?

That you Change your mind.


Re-look things.

Perhaps she is not the enemy.

Perhaps that argument was not that important. Perhaps it is not so important to suss out the 7 things you and her need to do. Perhaps it is not so important to debate every single miniscule matter.

Some things can be left unsaid.

You can make things light hearted as you said and I quote, "you talk happy things, she is happy and one day, when you talk happy things, she just changes completely."

So let her change! What is wrong with it? You a control freak??

She "changes completely". You withhold the unhappy things you want to say to her. Hold your peace. Do your things. Ignore her. And when there is another opportune time, you talk happy things with her again.

SO your conversations with her are ONLY happy talk.

Cut off the unhappy talk. Make it through the day with just happy talk and hopefully some lame jokes. Good enough for a day! Don't worry about tomorrow or her "changing completely". Do the happy talk for a week. Then pat yourself on your back - you did amazing. Do it for a month and see how refreshing it can be! Do it a year, I put money on it she will reciprocate.

You are still obsessed with her "changing completely" or how she should react. Perhaps the only real change needed is for you to CHANGE your mind on how you view things. Not try to change her.

You see, your default mode is still to blame her.

Last edited by MoeLanYong; 23-02-2018 at 07:35 PM.
  #37  
Old 23-02-2018, 07:06 PM
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Re: What is going thru your mind when you realise your marriage is no longer salvagab

Quote:
Originally Posted by Xyberduke View Post
I ask myself why we started and how we got to this stage of no return, and what can be done.
bro there is a show the break up.



it shows a couple a giver and a taker who puts in a lot of effort and the other taken for granted. And at the end the giver feels there is nothing more to give.

disappointment leads to anger, and more disappointment leads to hurt, pain, sadness. The harder you work, and if the person just keeps taking, you come to a point that enough is enough.

I am there. And accepting that I am in this position, rather than be angry, feeling disappointed, hurt is better than trying everything I can for the last 10 years and coming up empty in return
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The Best Way to overcome heart break is in the arms of another. You focus on making money, you get girls, you focus on your body, you get sex, you focus on the girl, you get NOTHING but heartache and disappointment
  #38  
Old 25-02-2018, 02:08 AM
Flinger2 Flinger2 is offline
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Re: What is going thru your mind when you realise your marriage is no longer salvagab

If I were to summarize what you said, "If she slaps you, just take the slap and then ignore it" Then when she is happy, you can then talk to her and have a happy conversation.

I am glad you are able to do that. You are a saint. Congrats to you.

I am not. I am just a typical human.





Quote:
Originally Posted by MoeLanYong View Post
Hi Flinger2,
Erm.....I did experience the same and wrote about it in my first post to you. My first gf of 7 years. So I know perfectly what you are saying. A suffocating relationship of analysing each other's character ....."cycles and cycles of long talks of who, what, how to change" .....to a point where I lost interest in even wanting the relationship to work.

The difference is I could walk off. Learn. Re-start a new relationship on a different footing, whereas you can't. You are stuck in a marriage. With the same person. With a kid. Your path to recovery is harder. If you even want a recovery which atm, I am pretty sure you don't.

This is a good time to Pause. Think. Reflect.

Lets square up the facts. You and I know, the status quo is miserable. No happiness. Living with the "enemy".

A divorce will be drastic. Change of living arrangement. You will not get daily access to your kid. Maybe it is worth exploring. Maybe it is not.

Consider an improbable. A situation where you and your wife can be happy. You can get to see your kid everyday. You can have a beautiful family. Nice? An objective worth trying for? What will it cost?

That you Change your mind.


Re-look things.

Perhaps she is not the enemy.

Perhaps that argument was not that important. Perhaps it is not so important to suss out the 7 things you and her need to do. Perhaps it is not so important to debate every single miniscule matter.

Some things can be left unsaid.

You can make things light hearted as you said and I quote, "you talk happy things, she is happy and one day, when you talk happy things, she just changes completely."

So let her change! What is wrong with it? You a control freak??

She "changes completely". You withhold the unhappy things you want to say to her. Hold your peace. Do your things. Ignore her. And when there is another opportune time, you talk happy things with her again.

SO your conversations with her are ONLY happy talk.

Cut off the unhappy talk. Make it through the day with just happy talk and hopefully some lame jokes. Good enough for a day! Don't worry about tomorrow or her "changing completely". Do the happy talk for a week. Then pat yourself on your back - you did amazing. Do it for a month and see how refreshing it can be! Do it a year, I put money on it she will reciprocate.

You are still obsessed with her "changing completely" or how she should react. Perhaps the only real change needed is for you to CHANGE your mind on how you view things. Not try to change her.

You see, your default mode is still to blame her.
  #39  
Old 25-02-2018, 03:06 AM
Stereo Stereo is offline
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Re: What is going thru your mind when you realise your marriage is no longer salvagab

This thread chiminology ....
  #40  
Old 25-02-2018, 03:10 AM
MoeLanYong MoeLanYong is offline
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Re: What is going thru your mind when you realise your marriage is no longer salvagab

Quote:
Originally Posted by Flinger2 View Post
If I were to summarize what you said, "If she slaps you, just take the slap and then ignore it" Then when she is happy, you can then talk to her and have a happy conversation.

I am glad you are able to do that. You are a saint. Congrats to you.

I am not. I am just a typical human.
Er....what slap? Sorry, I lost. My point was simple. Avoid the heavy talk of who is right and wrong. Keep to happy talk. Walk away / ignore when conversations turn unhappy - all anger management consultants teach that. What difference does it make? You and her are already ignoring each other. Anyway, I overstayed my welcome. I merely chanced upon your story bec I went through a similiar r/s of trying to get the other party to change. You either hear what I am saying or you don't. I am not selling you a religion as some allege. Lol. Have a good weekend
  #41  
Old 25-02-2018, 09:26 AM
c0cktailov3r c0cktailov3r is offline
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Re: What is going thru your mind when you realise your marriage is no longer salvagab

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stereo View Post
This thread chiminology ....
👍 i agree.
  #42  
Old 25-02-2018, 03:58 PM
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Shadow_warrior Shadow_warrior is offline
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Re: What is going thru your mind when you realise your marriage is no longer salvagab

Quote:
Originally Posted by Flinger2 View Post
If I were to summarize what you said, "If she slaps you, just take the slap and then ignore it" Then when she is happy, you can then talk to her and have a happy conversation.

I am glad you are able to do that. You are a saint. Congrats to you.

I am not. I am just a typical human.
lol...you are right bro.

I am a typical human being too. And the experience of being battered, abused, ignored doesn't motivate me to work anymore on the marriage after so many years.

Saints...hahaha. I like your term. Olympic swimmers do the work, get into the pool. People who talk only are people who swim on dry land, watch the swimmers on TV. They never get wet but talk like experts.
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  #43  
Old 26-02-2018, 12:14 AM
Disillusioned99 Disillusioned99 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by akapat View Post
What is going thru your mind when you realise your marriage is no longer salvagable?

To be honest, its quite a total loss. Mind went blank. How you guys deal with the aftermath?

Seem like divorced is never going to be peaceful...
Like you, my mind went blank or rather I just did not want to think about anything. I live my life a day at a time, hoping that the day will be a good day.. a better day. One that I don’t need to take anti depressants.

Yes, the divorce is gg to be a nightmare. As it is, he is a complete asshole. Till today, he is still telling me he will give up our 2 children for the slut if he needs to choose. If not, we can move on as a family? By accepting the slut into the family? He must hv watched too many TV dramas!

I rather live and die alone than share my man with a Low class slut who opens her legs for money.
  #44  
Old 26-02-2018, 12:18 AM
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Re: What is going thru your mind when you realise your marriage is no longer salvagab

Quote:
Originally Posted by Disillusioned99 View Post
Like you, my mind went blank or rather I just did not want to think about anything. I live my life a day at a time, hoping that the day will be a good day.. a better day. One that I don’t need to take anti depressants.

Yes, the divorce is gg to be a nightmare. As it is, he is a complete asshole. Till today, he is still telling me he will give up our 2 children for the slut if he needs to choose. If not, we can move on as a family? By accepting the slut into the family? He must hv watched too many TV dramas!

I rather live and die alone than share my man with a Low class slut who opens her legs for money.
welcome back sis. hope you have resolved on what you want to do.

if its moving on, and it makes you happier, than do it. Chase your future, focus on yourself and your family
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The Best Way to overcome heart break is in the arms of another. You focus on making money, you get girls, you focus on your body, you get sex, you focus on the girl, you get NOTHING but heartache and disappointment
  #45  
Old 26-02-2018, 07:49 AM
MoeLanYong MoeLanYong is offline
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Re: What is going thru your mind when you realise your marriage is no longer salvagab

Saint nope. Just a happily married man with kids sharing some observations. I am not into "I feel your pain bro, my wife was such a biatch, this is what she did etc", just to pally up with you. So fake. I prefer to tell the problem as it is. Directly. Most times, the problem is with the men - because they are the head of the household and drive the relationship.
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